Scenes From a Mirage
by xpriordeen
Summary: Chuck and Blair's internal monologues from scenes early in their relationship. I'm bad at descriptions but if you miss Gossip Girl as much as I do, I hope you'll enjoy this little drabble! Rated M for language.
1. Chapter 1

****AN: Hia! So I want to start by saying I know I've been neglecting _Medicine_ and I'm so, so sorry for that. I've been having really bad writer's block with it, probably because my brain is clogged up with ideas for Gossip Girl fics. So I wrote a short one. I know that Gossip Girl ended years ago and that maybe none of you are even fans of the show, but imma leave this here anyway haha. My friend recently forced me to watch and I was shocked when I actually started loving the show. A couple months later I've seen it all the way through 3 times and I'm writing Chair fanfic after reading all that I could find. Anyway, I hope at least some of you might enjoy this, and I promise that my heart and soul belongs to The Hunger Games and that I will finish _Medicine_. PS the title is a pun on the 1973 TV film series _Scenes from a Marriage_ , just like all the GG episode titles are literary/film puns, which I adore :) ****

* * *

**Season 1 Episode 1**

" _She better not show her face again."_

 _-Blair_

" _I'm actually hoping she will."'_

 _-Chuck_

Blair turns to look at the boy who materialized at her shoulder, although she already knows it's Chuck Bass. Of course she would recognize his voice, she's grown up with him by her side. And Nate. And Serena. But apparently, things are changing for Blair Waldorf, and she can't stand it. Her life is perfect the way it is. Well, the way it was before her best friend took her boyfriend's virginity and then fled the state while Blair suffered through her parents' messy divorce alone.

Chuck's bleeding steadily from his nose, but Blair is unfazed. Chuck getting punched in the face is certainly not out of the ordinary, but still, her gaze lingers on him for a little longer than it should. She _should_ be looking at Nate, standing off in the corner brooding, taking long pulls of a beer. But honestly, Chuck pulls of brooding way better. And if Nate wants to pine after her best friend, what's the harm in her checking out his? It's not something she's never done before.

Blair is a good girl. Innocent and pure. But she's not repulsed by Chuck Bass in the way most girls of her status are. In the way most _people_ are. She's always found him intriguing, mainly because even though she's known him almost their entire lives, she's never been able to figure him out. This puts her at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to their interactions because she can't be in control if she can't read his mind. With Nate and Serena, it's painfully easy. But with Chuck, well, she never did know what would come out of his mouth next.

Her gaze lingers there now. On the bow of his lips, pursed together in disdain. On the sharp angles of his jaw, which have started developing recently and rapidly, she's noticed. He has… potential, she thinks to herself. He could become something special. He could become a man. If only she could mold him properly, like she did with Nate. And look how well that turned out. It doesn't matter anyway. Even if she was in a position remake Chuck Bass, even if she could burn his signature scarves and exchange them for ties, wash his hair and style it neatly, trade in his sneakers for Italian loafers, she doubts even she can fix how twisted he is inside.

Of course, he's never actually made a pass at her. She's always been Nate's girlfriend, and Nate couldn't ask for a more loyal friend than Chuck. Maybe it was because she had Nate as a shield against Chuck's womanizing that she didn't mind the boy so much. Or maybe it's because he's dark and mysterious and doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks about him. Maybe it's because he's everything she shouldn't want. But Blair has everything she should want, and she still feels unhappy and unsatisfied.

When Chuck turns away from her and heads back into the party, she deflates a little, feeling something extinguish inside of her. She glances back towards Nate, wondering how in the world she's going to salvage their relationship, salvage her happiness. Because if there's one thing she knows, it's that she wants a fairytale ending, and Chuck Bass is no prince.

* * *

 **Season 1 Episode 2**

" _I can't believe Serena came to this brunch. I told her to stay away."_

" _Are you worried about Nate? Just a shot in the dark. I think you know what you need to get his attention."_

Chuck smoothly brandishes a room key, which Blair immediately scrutinizes like it knows all her secrets. The girl's always on her toes. So… tightly wound. He'd like to see her loosen up for a change. He'd like to be the one to get her to.

" _What's that?"_

But she's Nate's, and Nate is his best friend. He hasn't so much as laid a hand on her in all these years, and he's not about to break now. He can have every other girl in Manhattan. He doesn't need Blair Waldorf. He'd be lying if he said he didn't want her, but anyone would be. She's hot. And he's Chuck Bass.

" _The key to my suite, Nate's heart, and your future happiness…. I'm honored to be playing even a small role in your deflowering."_

If he can't do it, then he can definitely help Nate get there. What's the point of having a best friend if not to help them get some ass? Plus, he secretly hates what Serena did to Blair, but that's not the kind of thing that motivates Chuck Bass.

" _You're disgusting."_

" _Yes, I am, so why be shy? Just grab Nate and finish this. And report back with details."_

His quip back is immediate. If it wasn't, Blair's comment might have been hurtful. But Chuck's no stranger to this kind of thing, and anyway, he knows what he is. Who he is. He's Chuck Bass. That's what he tells himself as he watches Blair grab her boyfriend and drag him into the elevator. He needs another glass of scotch.

* * *

 **Season 1 Episode 3**

" _Admit it. Even for me, this is good."_

" _If you weren't such a perv I'm sure the CIA would hire you in a second."_

" _Defending my country. There's a future I never imagined."_

" _With good reason… What is she doing there?"_

" _What's anyone doing there? It's a facility for the disturbed or addicted."_

" _You must have your own wing."_

" _You don't get nearly enough credit for your wit."_

She beams at him. It's true. She's just as clever as Chuck, it's just that he's more practiced. The only time she really gets to have any fun conversations is when she's talking to him. Having a conversation with Nate is like talking to a ten-year-old, and it's even worse when he's stoned. But she loves him anyway. Despite his flaws. That's what love is, right? He's the perfect match for her, and there's no denying it. They've been destined to get married since they were in kindergarten.

" _So this is your bed?"_

She kicks him out without a second thought. She's Blair Waldorf, so she ends their little game of Words with Friends as soon as he starts inevitably dropping sexual innuendos. She's a lady, and she won't stand for it. Even more than that, she kicks him out because she hates losing, and she knows she can't beat Chuck Bass when it comes to talking dirty. Although… maybe with some practice…

* * *

 **Season 1 Episode 8**

" _If you're done with Blair, be done. Don't cave to your parents wishes if they're not your desires."_

 _-Chuck_

" _Excuse me? Where's my boy? 'Seal the deal, tap that ass, money marries bigger money?'"_

 _-Nate_

" _Look, I care about three things, Nathaniel. Money, the pleasures money brings me, and you. I'm just trying to have your back here. Your parents have been controlling you your whole life. If it doesn't end now, when will it ever?"_

Chuck hasn't been able to catch his breath since Nate brought up giving Blair his mother's engagement ring. He couldn't even look Nate in the eye when he asked what he thought about it. If he did, Nate might notice how he really feels about the whole situation. He's good at projecting detachment, but he's never felt so… attached… to anything in his entire life. Until now. Until Blair. He hasn't slept since that night in his limo, and he can't tell why. Maybe it's because he feels like shit for betraying Nate. Maybe he has some sort of virus, because he's felt sick to his stomach since. Maybe it's just because he hasn't fucked anyone in the past… 24 hours. None of that would explain why all of these God forsaken feelings he's suddenly developed intensified when Nate mentioned Blair. His head is so scrambled that he can't tell left from right. But he does know two things. First, that he doesn't want Nate and Blair to get back together. That would make what he did even more despicable. Not just the fact that he had sex with Blair. They were broken up. It's more the fact that he liked it so much. And second, that he lied to Nate. He cares about one more thing. Blair Waldorf. He cares about her in more than a she-was-a-good-lay kind of way. Oh God. He liked more than having sex with her. He actually likes her. The feeling in his stomach picks up again. The… fluttering. It continues even after Nate goes, even after he dry heaves over his sink trying to get rid of it, after he's showered and changed into a fresh suit, and especially as his limo gets closer and closer to Blair's birthday party.

" _Chuck!"_

Serena calls his name when he arrives. He hardly hears her. He doesn't see her. All he sees is Blair. He follows her to the roof, where he probably would have made his way anyway. When she calls him out on his feelings, he regrets even showing up. He's Chuck Bass! He doesn't have feelings. She's right, the butterflies have to be murdered. But if he knew how to kill them, he would have done it already. Later that night, when she accepts his gift and his company, he's glad he didn't. He'd lose sleep for a thousand nights if it meant he'd get one minute with Blair.

* * *

 **Season 1 Episode 10**

" _Like the book says, she's just not that into you."_

 _-Chuck_

He wishes Nate would just drop it. Just forget about Blair. When they were dating, he ignored her, cheated on her, treated her like… like she wasn't a queen. But to Chuck, she's… important.

" _Man, I have to find out if she's seeing someone. It's killing me. You guys are still pretty close, aren't you?"_

 _-Nate_

Goddamn it. He can't lie. Not to Nate. Not to his best friend. He ruins everything in his life, pushes away everyone who gets close to him, but he's at least managed to be a loyal friend to one person… up until now.

" _Uh… yeah."_

" _Could you find out who she's seeing?"_

" _Me."_

It just comes out. He couldn't stop it if he tried. He wants to scream it. Me! She's seeing me! He feels lighter, like the fist wrapped around his chest released its grip a little. But it doesn't last.

" _Yes. Come on man, who better?"_

Nate thought it was a question, not an answer. Fuck. He doesn't have the nerve to say it again. So he does what he knows best. Smirks, lies, and walks away before Nate can think twice.

" _Who better indeed?"_

* * *

 **Season 1 Episode 10, Part 2, or The First Time Blair Broke Chuck's Heart**

" _Have you seen Nate?"_

 _-Blair_

" _Nate was asked to leave. But here I am."_

 _-Chuck_

When he sees she's wearing the necklace he bought her, he can't help but smile a little, even if he tries to suppress it. When she lets him take her hand and lead her in a dance, he feels triumphant. He never wants her to stop touching him, even if it's just her hand resting lightly on his shoulder. He'll take it.

" _I know that look. That's the look when your plan falls into place. You're enjoying this. You knew Carter was going to my house. You tipped off Gossip Girl. You ruined my cotillion on purpose. You did all this for you own enjoyment and didn't care what it would do to me. Which is exactly why you and I can never work."_

Wait, what? No! That's… that's not what this look means. He just happy! Happy to be dancing with her! But she reads him so well. Maybe she's right. She is right. She hit the nail right on the head. She worked out what he did so quickly. Before he even realized what he as doing. But he can't let her know that.

" _Hey, slow down there Waldorf."_

" _You make me sick. This thing between us, it's over. For good."_

His heart had been sinking since she called him out for his scheme, but now it hits the floor. He feels like his on one of those carnival rides. The ones that rise painfully slow and then fall at the drop of a hat. That's what it's been like with Blair. Getting higher and higher, until now, when it all comes crashing down. He tries to get off, tries to stop _feeling_ so much for her. But he can't.

" _Blair, wait! I didn't mean to…"_

He can't, so he has to try to save what's left of their relationship. He really didn't mean to hurt her. But he did. He did whatever it took to make himself happy. He schemed and manipulated and lied to the few people he cares about. Why couldn't he stop himself? Why doesn't he know better?

" _Don't talk to me!"_

He feels sick to his stomach. She wanted him to kill the butterflies. Well, they're definitely dead now. Something much worse has taken their place. He thought he hated that feeling. The feeling of actually liking someone. A girl. For more than just sex. But this is much worse. This is more than an uncomfortable fluttering. This is pain.

" _Blair!"_

She doesn't turn around. He tries not to chase her, he really does, but he goes after her anyway. When he sees her kissing Nate, he wishes he didn't. When Nate winks at him while Blair kisses his neck, Chuck feels sick. When they disappear together, he actually feels his heart break. He has to get far, far away from Blair Waldorf. If he doesn't, he's afraid of what might happen to him. He's afraid it's too late to do anything about it. He's falling in love.

* * *

 **Season 1 Episode 18**

It was hard for her to ignore him since her pregnancy scandal. Harder than she'd ever admit. Sure, she lost her virginity to him, but that doesn't mean she had to fall in love with him. He's Chuck Bass, and Chuck Bass doesn't love the girls he fucks. It was a mistake letting him fall asleep holding her last night, which is why she throws him off of her as soon as she wakes up. Well, not as soon as she wakes up. She hesitates, reluctant to give up the safe feeling of his body wrapped around hers. But she does what she needs to do, pushing him to leave as quickly as possible while they spar back and forth. She's finally got him heading for the door, but the bastard won't shut up.

" _They say if you love something you should set it free."_

" _They say if you hate something you should slam the door in its face."_

" _I love it when you talk dirty Blair."_

She slams the door. Rolls her eyes aggressively. Breathes a sign of relief that he's gone. Then, she smiles a little. She can't help it. He has some… some weird effect on her.

She felt him crawl in her bed last night. She'd had a long day dealing with Serena and Georgina, and her mind was still spinning from scheming with Chuck. They did come up with a good plan. When she felt the mattress dip, smelled his cologne invade her space, she braced herself but didn't move. And he didn't touch her. She waited for him to do something violating, say something gross, but it never happened. So slowly, she let herself unwind. And when his breathing evened out in sleep, she relaxed into him, trying to fall asleep but feeling far too awake. After an hour of him sleeping like a rock and her trying not to wake him, she decided she'd go get a glass of water. It was getting way too hot in her room. She'd just rolled over, slightly out of his reach, when she heard him stir in his sleep. She paused, not for long, but long enough for him to throw his arm around her, follow by the tight wrap of his leg around her waist. She was pinned, and suddenly so, so tired. Her eyes fluttered shut, lulled to sleep by his warmth. Before she knocked out completely, she reached up and clutched his forearm, pulling his arm around her more securely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Season 2 Episode 13**

" _Chuck! Stop! Don't go. Or if you have to leave, let me come with you."_

He doesn't want to stop for her. He knows it would be easier if he just got in the limo and went far away from Blair and his father's funeral and this entire city. She's been everywhere today. In his suite with Nate after he polished off an entire bottle of whatever liquor he could get his hands on. Fixing his hair in the limo. Trying to get him to eat something in Lily's apartment. And now here, pleading with him to let her follow him around some more. But he can't do it. Not today. It's not fair of her. He knows she thinks this is what he'd want from her, but she's wrong. She doesn't know how painful their every interaction has become, even if he pretends he doesn't still want her. She doesn't know how ashamed he is of the way she's seeing him act. She doesn't know that he needs her to leave him alone or else he'll let her take care of him. And he can't allow that. He can't be weak. He might as well just go spit on his father's grave. He's trying to suck it up, to be a man, but Blair will break him.

" _I appreciate your concern."_

That's all he can say to her without breaking down. He finds it in himself to open the door, but she won't relent. When she steps closer, he smells her perfume and almost vomits, but he can't resist stoping to hear her out. Her words are precious.

" _No, you don't. You don't appreciate anything today. But I don't care. Whatever you're going through, I want to be there for you."_

He's paralyzed. Halfway in the car, hand poised to slam the door after he gets in, but he can't just leave her standing there. He couldn't if he tried. He feels his lip start to tremble no matter how hard he fights it, and he is fighting it. He thinks he might collapse from the amount of effort he's putting in to trying to keep every muscle in his body completely still.

" _We've talked about this. You are not my girlfriend."_

" _But I am me. And you're you. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything."_

He's shaking by the time she grabs his hand, unable to contain everything anymore. He's unsteady enough from grief and lack of sleep and alcohol consumption, and Blair's closeness is going to knock him off his feet all together. He can't help it when she looks into his eyes and the tears start to well up. He clenches his jaw so hard he thinks it might break before he speaks again.

" _And why would you do that?"_

He knows he's a masochist for even asking, but he really must have a suicide wish today. He knows what she's going to say. He won't stop her. He can't. They're both too weak today, he guesses. He feels the death blow coming before she says it.

" _Because… I love you."_

He has to physically swallow down the pain when she says it. He was really hoping she wouldn't. How could she? Today, of all days. Of all the chances she had to tell him, this is the one she takes. She decides to tell him she loves him on a day when it would be impossible for him to believe her. She just feels bad for him. And he hates pity. Or even if she isn't lying, he couldn't ask her to stand by him now. Not when all he can do is self destruct. He'd take her with him.

" _That's too bad."_

He catches her shed a tear in the rearview mirror. Fortunately for the both of them, she doesn't see him break down behind the partition of the limo. He'd never forgive himself if he surrendered and let their relationship start in earnest like this. He's alone, he's destined to be alone, he'll always be alone. He can't let her help him. His father would be rolling over in his grave if he knew his son was crying like an idiot. Not even over the death of his last living parent, which would still be unacceptable, but over a girl. She loves him. But it's too late.

* * *

 **Season 2 Episode 14**

" _I'm Chuck Bass! No one cares."_

He's drunk. Really drunk. He wouldn't be up on this roof otherwise. He wouldn't have the balls to do it sober. At this point, he can't do anything sober. He was a disappointment to his father, the bane of his existence, until the day that he died. Even if he had more time with Bart, he doubts he would be able to make him proud. He'll never make anyone proud, never accomplish anything, never love or be loved, so what's the fucking point? All he has is a massive inheritance. But even that's not enough. He needs someone to care. He's never had that, he never will, and he just can't take it any longer.

" _I do. Don't you understand? I'll always be here. I don't want you going anywhere. I couldn't bear it. So whatever you want to do to yourself, please don't do that to me. Please."_

Fuck. Why does she always know exactly what to say to him? To push his buttons, turn him on, make him stay, make him leave, even to make him climb down off the top of a fucking building. He wants to believe her. He needs to believe that she's telling the truth when she says she'll always be here. When she says she loves him. But he can't get himself there. Not yet. Regardless, he knows he loves her. He can't bring himself to say it, it's like something jams itself into his windpipe and starts choking him if he even thinks the words, but he knows it's true. He thought he was saving her by leaving her behind. Fleeing the country, or when that didn't work, just ending it all for good. But she couldn't possibly be lying when she said she couldn't bear it. It was too sincere. Which means even if he wants to jump, he can't. He won't. So he takes her hand. Let's her help him down. Collapses into her arms when he can't hold himself up for another second.

" _I'm sorry."_

He is. He's so, so sorry. He's sorry for disappearing, or sorry for not staying away. Sorry for putting her through this or sorry for not jumping and setting her free. Sorry she loves him or sorry that he's making it so hard.

" _It's okay."_

But if she can forgive him, maybe one day he can forgive himself. Not tonight, not tomorrow, but maybe eventually. Tonight his thoughts are cloudy and his body is going numb, but he knows he's too tired to push Blair away much longer, physically and mentally. So he holds on to her while Jack tells him he should get home, and while they practically drag him down the service elevator, until he passes out somewhere in between the back door and his limo.

When he comes to, he's in his suite at The Palace and Blair is in his bed next to him, wide awake and alert. He, on the other hand, isn't even quite sure she's real.

"Blair? What are you doing here?"

"You're crazy if you thought I was going to leave you alone with Jack tonight."

He makes one last halfhearted attempt to get her to run for her life, but he knows it's futile.

"Go home, Blair. Like I said, you're not my girlfriend, no matter how hard you may try to act like it. Get back in line."

"Don't, okay? Let's not play this game tonight. Let's just call a time out."

He nods.

"Fine. Okay. A time out."

"You scared me to death tonight."

"I said I'm sorry."

"I know. God, I know. But I meant what I said. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you, Chuck, because I'm afraid what I feel for you will never go away. You think you're invincible, but…"

"I don't think I'm invincible."

"Please. Even before tonight. The drinking, the drugs, I know you think you'll live forever…"

"Blair, I don't think that. I never did. I'm just not afraid of dying."

"Why not?"

"Because what could possibly be worse than this?"

She's finally silent, and in some sick, twisted way, he feels like he's won.

"Okay," she says.

"Okay? That's it?"

"I don't have anything left to say. I'm exhausted."

"Then go home."

"I said I won't."

"Why not?"

"I told you why not after your father's funeral."

Thinking about that moment, about what she told him, drains him even more. But he still can't say it back.

"Okay," he says.

"Okay?"

He nods, too choked up to speak. Slowly, painfully slowly, he rests his head on her abdomen. She's sitting up against the headboard and he feels her sink down a little as she wraps her arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. When he finally starts to cry, scared of what he almost did tonight, scared of falling asleep, scared of waking up tomorrow, she strokes his hair and pulls the duvet up over the both of them. When she slides down to meet his eyes, he presses his forehead against her temple, needing her to stay as close as possible. He winds an arms around her and pulls her against him.

"Blair, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You know I am."

"I know. It's okay. We're okay. Go to sleep."

"Can you… can you come tomorrow? To the reading of Bart's will? I don't… I don't know if I can do it alone. And I don't know that I'll be able to ask again in the morning."

"Of course. You don't have to ask twice."

He finally relaxes, and before he falls asleep, he feels her roll over. Breathe softly against his neck. Rest her read on his chest. Wrap her arms around his back and tangle her legs up in his. He lets it happen. In the morning, they'll go back to normal. They'll be Blair and Chuck, Chuck and Blair. He'll wash his face, perfectly knot one of his father's ties around his neck, and toughen up. But for now, he can allow this. He can let her be here for him without pushing her away. He can be thankful for her. He can love her like this. He'll get through this. They'll get through this. Together.

* * *

 **Season 2 Episode 23**

" _Listen, Blair…"_

He sits down, prepared to lay it all on the line. He won't say he loves her. He won't and he can't and he shouldn't have to. But he does want to tell her not to move in with Nate. To leave him all together. To give them a chance. To give him a chance to deserve her. Even if he doesn't.

" _No, me first. Nate's waiting for my answer."_

" _I heard."_

" _Do you wanna know what's stopping me? I can't answer his question while I'm waiting for you to answer mine. The one I asked you forever ago. What are we, Chuck?"_

He has to drop his gaze. She's so much braver than he is. He's a coward. She's asked him time and time again, given him chance after chance, and he's missed his shot. How could he ask her to leave Nate, the best guy he knows, a good guy who loves her and who actually tells her instead of stringing her along. All Chuck can do is drag her down into his darkness.

" _Blair…"_

He slowly meets her eyes, preparing to do the worst. But for some reason, he can't steel himself. Not against her. He's just so embarrassed, and he loves her so much. It hurts to do what he has to do. It's not fair. He has to cut her loose to make her happy, but she doesn't know that doing so will end him. He's already suffered so much loss, why should he have to loose the girl he loves as well? Why can't she see that he loves her, that he'll tell her in time, that he can't live without her. It's just… it's not fair. To make matters worse, now he's thinking like a child. He knows life isn't fair. He knows he doesn't deserve Blair if he can't give her what she needs. But it doesn't mean he isn't angry.

" _Last fall you said we couldn't be together. And I believed you. But every time I try to move on, you're right there, acting like…"_

" _Acting like what?"_

He can't help but to lash out a little. If she says "acting like nothing ever hurts you" he swears he'll loose it. She knows that isn't true. She knows it better than anyone. Not to mention it's cliche.

" _Like… maybe you just want me to be as unhappy as you are."_

" _I would never wish that on anyone. I want you to be happy."_

What she actually says doesn't make him angry, it just makes him sad. She needs to know that all he wants is for her to feel joy and love in her life. If only he could be the one to give it to her. But he can't. So he'll let Nate.

" _The look down deep, into the soul I know you have, and tell me if what you feel for me is real, or if it's just a game. If it's real, we'll figure it out. All of us. But if it's not, then please, Chuck, just let me go."_

He didn't expect it to be this hard. It's just a simple lie. He does it all the time. Every day. All he has to do is smirk, deliver his lines, and she'll be gone. If he knows one thing, it's how to send a girl packing. But still, the words catch in his throat, and when he forces them out, they aren't as smooth as usual, and he can hardly force a smile.

" _It's just a game. I hate to lose. You're free to go."_

" _Thank you."_

" _Chuck, why did you just do that?"_

 _-Serena_

" _Because I love her, and I can't make her happy."_

He feels relief, but also a profound sadness. He doesn't even order a drink. He knows it won't help anything. All there's left to do is try to get over Blair Waldorf. Try to live without her. He has to learn from his mistakes. He'll never love like that again. But if it was really a mistake, why does he feel no regret? Why doesn't he feel brokenhearted? Maybe Blair was wrong. Maybe he doesn't have a soul. Or maybe it isn't over just yet. Maybe he can still make her happy, even if it is from a far.

* * *

 **Season 2 Episode 25**

" _It just happened."_

 _-Blair_

" _Leave me alone."_

 _-Chuck_

" _You're not mad at me because of that. Just like I'm not mad at you about Vanessa."_

" _Stop telling me what I feel."_

" _We're just doing what we always do. Finding excuses. Well I won't do it anymore. I know you told Serena you love me."_

" _Serena heard wrong."_

" _Last year you told Nate. This year you told Serena. You tell everyone but me. Why can't you tell me? Is Gossip Girl right about you being a coward?"_

" _That's not true, and you know it!"_

" _Gossip Girl can be right about you all she wants, but I won't let her be right about me. I will not be weak anymore. You can't run. You have to stay here and hear it this time. Chuck Bass, I love you. I love you so much, it consumes me. I love you, and I know you love me too. Tell me you love me, and everything we've done, all the gossip and the lies and the hurt, will have been for something. Tell me it was for something."_

He's thrown back in time to the last time she told him she loves him. On a cold, dry winter day when he couldn't feel anything besides the chill that seemed to follow him even inside heated penthouses. He feels too much again. She's doing this to him. Breaking him down, making him weak. He hears his father's voice in his head reprimanding him, telling him that love is just a distraction. He doesn't need this now. Not when he has a business to run. Not when he just found out she slept with his traitorous uncle. She had sex with Jack, confessions of love for him still on her lips, while he tried to forget her and himself and everyone else in foreign countries with prostitutes who didn't even speak English. But what did she care then? She doesn't love him. She's just playing games. It's what they do. Maybe they had a shot at changing. Maybe it was all for love. But not now, not after Jack. He's not a coward, but he also doesn't have a death wish. Not anymore. He's protecting himself. He's not a coward. Gossip Girl was wrong about him. He's not a coward.

" _Maybe it was. But it's not anymore."_

He flees the room and leaves her crying. She probably hates him forever, but not more than he hates himself. He's running away again. Gossip Girl was right.


End file.
